I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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