I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
