wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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