last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
