the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
