I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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