sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
