i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i now understand why vodka
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
