Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
