You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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