is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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