Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
