Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sober January is a disaster.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
