while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
