I want to walk on stilts...naked
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
