My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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