i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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