I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
