Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
