I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
