Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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