as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
