I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
