If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
