Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
