i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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