Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
