Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
