So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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