I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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