only you would photoshop your dick
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
