he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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