It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
