i think my tv is drunk
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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