An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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