the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Text me some of your sweat
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
