i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
