The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
