high people should be assigned attendants
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
