dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
