I smell stomach acid.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
