She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize