Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
sarcasm needs its own font
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
