Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
