had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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