I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
