his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Let's get the cat blown out
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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