Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize