i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize