just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize