I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
