He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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