Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
