its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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