Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
