i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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