And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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