I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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