So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
