Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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