Someone shit on the floor
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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