I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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