I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
pop tarts are not kleenex
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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