someone threw a dead crab at me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
