I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
