I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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