I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
