i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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